I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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