my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
