my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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