Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
