Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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