have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize