All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
