Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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