Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
