I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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