he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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