just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
