Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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