So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
