after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
