Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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