Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
