I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Can I color on your dick again?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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