I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
