when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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