My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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