Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just puked most of my soul out..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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