I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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