I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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