He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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