He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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