My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
