So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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