im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
