She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
