I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
