so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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