between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
