Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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