dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
