There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize