I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
