We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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