I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
