I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
