; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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