honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
