i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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