I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize