I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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