so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
