Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
