just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
