Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
