sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize