Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
