I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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