My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
