I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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