u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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