His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
