You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
