I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
