I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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