Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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