I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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