the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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