Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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