Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
