My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
