I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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