I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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