Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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