I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
