I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
