if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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