It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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