Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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