I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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